I Couldn't See You, Then

Memories are unexpected surges

I felt one Friday, and I didn’t want to forget again

pens, so to speak, are good for remembering

for solidifying, for rewriting, resignifying

that night we played a show at the Acadia

eleven years ago

I couldn’t see you then

the snow veiled my eyes and dusted the streets during our last song

it fell seventeen inches that night

everything was blurry—someone was trying to set me up,

someone asked you about me, strangely enough—

up until the moment we stepped outside, then

it slowed

snow makes everything seem silent, even in the city

where we stood on the corner of Cedar and Riverside with the band

wondering what to do next

you don’t just play a show and go home in your 20’s

a fine line between winter ambiance and panic

the snow piled like sand in an hourglass

I couldn’t see you then, but now

I like to imagine gentle flakes landing warmly on your already wispy hair

how could I not have noticed your winter blue eyes

as the snow lit up the night in a white glow?

I wish I could go back to that moment and glance at you

I couldn’t see you

short sudden surges shake our souls

before we silently continue on, it came

flooding back as I drove past the Acadia on my way to a broomball tournament

I mistakenly took the longer route out of habit, a familiar drive to work

a place I pass frequently, mindlessly

but a foot of snow at that intersection

forced me to remember, exactly eleven years ago to the date

we stood right there

pondering what to do next

it’s a wonder I’m licensed to drive under the influence of nostalgia

constantly batting away pesky scenes as they appear before me,

trying to see the road behind a thick layer of memories

I keep collecting them, too, as I age

there is scarce a place in this beautiful city that doesn’t make me remember

the trick, I think, is not to forget

I’ll refile this one under the many moments we shared

before we opened our eyes

but what it will sound like when I get home is,

“remember that gig we played in the blizzard?”

as we make dinner with our daughter